I told him last night on his voicemail that I want out. He made me sound like I was the bad guy in this situation. He rarely to never has said sorry...come to think, have i? Yes. I know that I have said sorry. I have even said sorry when I feel that all I did was react to him causing me pain emotionally. I'm exhausted. I don't want to have to deal with it anymore. He said something about how he feels that he needs to fix me which I took as a total insult. I never asked to be fixed, and I am far better off then he is. He assumes so much. He thinks that he knows me and what I deal with, but really he never takes the time to listen and he does not have the compassion when he actually does listen. I wrote him a text that said, "You cannot fix something with a tool that needs to be fixed itself. You are the tool...". I thought it was very witty and good of my to say. Maybe he will understand that. Maybe he will focus on himself, stop mopping around and do something about his 'problems'. He really has no idea what I have had to deal with and if he did, well, maybe he would be a better friend, maybe he would support me more, and maybe he would listen to me a little more when I say that he should get over it, and just do something. Arg. I am exhausted.

I missed the bus again for church today. I am beginning to think that subconciously I am intentionally missing it. I hate that. See, I avoid situations that make me uncomfortable, and church is one of them. You have to be friendly with people that you dont even feel like being friendly to. People judge you so much. I feel it. I hate it. I know that I did wrong things. I know that I am still doing wrong things, but leave me alone. I dont go around whispering about all the things that you did wrong and then look down on you for it! Please, just let me be. You hurt me when you do that. I feel like church is suppose to be a place where you go in and people just love on you. I want to walk in there and have people approach me in a very caring way that I can feel and ask me how I am really doing, and what I have been up to. But the last few times when I went to church, well I sat on the sidelines and there was like no one to talk to. I felt more alone then I ever do. Being in a room full of people and having no one to talk to is one of the loneliest places to be.

Well, since I missed the bus and am not going to church, maybe I will read my bible or pray or something. Then its off to work. I have a feeling this might be long day.